


Hesitate

by skipper



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Caring Louis Tomlinson, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Harry Styles, M/M, Newborn Children, Parenthood
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-16 20:08:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29705913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skipper/pseuds/skipper
Summary: Kiss the tears right off your faceWon't get scared, that's the old, old, old meI'll be there time and placeLay it on me, all you're hold, hold, holdingTime, time only heals if we work through it nowAnd I promise to figure this outI will take your painAnd put it on my heartI won't hesitateJust tell me where to startI thank the oceans for giving me you--Don't you ever say goodbyeCross my heart, and you can keep, keep, keep mineIf I could only read your mindThen I could map out all the ways to make it right
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Harry Styles/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	Hesitate

**Author's Note:**

> _Pull me close, and I'll hold you tight_  
>  \--  
> For Harry Styles, his family had always been everything, and when he started one for himself, he thought that was it. He would be happy and live a thousand years with the one he loved so deeply. But life had different plans. His childhood sweetheart was gone within months after their son's birth, and it broke him into pieces. Months afterward, Harry’s forced him to attend a group therapy session. It would help him, they said, and perhaps that was right. But deep down, he has no desire to move on and let go of his husband.   
> \--  
>  _Don't be scared 'cause I'm on your side_  
>  \--  
> Louis is the leader of those grieving lost loves, family, and friends, running a group to help those with experiences similar to his own. When Harry walked through the door, Louis could see a thoroughly broken man. He was barely a mirage, mere pieces lingering behind his green eyes. For Harry, Louis was different. He was bright and beautiful, shining through the darkness that overtook him. For reasons he could not fathom, he took an interest in Harry.   
> \--  
>  _Know there's nothing I wouldn't do for you_  
>  \--  
> Over time, Harry begins to realize he has to move on. Maybe he’ll find a minute amount of happiness again. Still, it was a terrifying thought to accept his husband was never coming back, that the father of his child was no longer a presence in their lives. It’s not easy, but slowly Harry allows himself to let go, learning it wasn’t a good-bye but an acceptance of what happened.   
> \--  
>  _Pull me close, and I'll hold you tight_  
>  \--  
> They say death is just the beginning for those who are left behind. They have to create a whole new life without their loved ones in it. Most start over and move on, yet some don’t. They get so caught up in what used to be that they lose what’s right in front of them. But Harry, he was lucky to have Louis, someone to teach how to accept what could be.  
> \--  
>  _Don't be scared 'cause I'm on your side  
>  Know there's nothing I wouldn't do for you._

It’s dark out when the fateful call comes, but Harry doesn’t answer it. He’s lost in the sentiment of little Charle’s first tooth beginning to poke from his bottom gum. There are several pictures on his phone, and he so eager to show John how their little one was growing up already. At three months, he was the picture of perfection, and Harry couldn’t imagine anything different. But the phone rang, and he didn’t answer, too focused on their precious creation.

It’s an hour later when there’s a knock at the door, and the appearance of his mother’s face changes everything. Harry’s mind immediately moves to the missed call, and he knows. Something isn’t right. Something’s happened, and as he stares at her tear-stained face, he knows that nothing’s going to be the same. Words escape him, and he turns, searching for the mobile, but cries out in frustration. His mother isn’t speaking, and he can’t find the fucking phone to fix this, whatever it is.

By the time he’s told to calm, Charles cries as though he knew the unimaginable had occurred. The call he’s missed from the hospital, telling him to come straight away. He’s missed the calls from his mother, informing him of the dire situation. John had fought in two tours, brought so much joy and pride to Harry, but it was a drunken driver that took his life away.

After that day, Harry isn’t the same, though no one expected him to bounce back. Time with Charles fell to the wayside. The hours he spent taking pictures and speaking of him with pride were gone, as he could only see his husband’s face in his eyes. They’d spent so much time choosing and deciding how to create their infant correctly, but now, it was all in vain. At three months old, Charles now only had one parent, when the plans were always for them to do this thing together. It hurts, and the ache only grows with each additional day Harry spends without John at his side.

Anne comes daily, caring for Charles when Harry can’t get out of bed. She arranges doctor’s visits when Harry can’t find his phone, and most importantly, does everything that Harry should have. But it was pointless now. There was no life without John. Charles continues to grow, and Harry falls deeper into his deep despair, unable and unwilling to climb out, fight for the life he’d always wanted. Being a parent was a dream from his childhood, but he’d already known John then. He thought it was a dream they’d share, but that was gone. John was gone.

John had always been Harry’s crutch. They’d come out to each other, been each other’s first kiss, first everything, and when they married, it was a natural evolution in the relationship. Many thought they were ridiculous to do it so young at eighteen, but it was the exact step after years together. John went off to serve for the country then. Harry stayed home, attending University and working to bide the time until John would be his again.

After two tours, they decided it was time to settle down and knew what was next. They each wanted to have a real family. It took them a long time to choose Charles's surrogate, especially considering how long they’d been saving the money for it, but everything turned out perfectly. He and John were thrilled, happier than either had ever thought they could be.

He and John were there for everything. They went to every visit, stayed in constant contact with their surrogate, and knew every pregnancy milestone by heart. And most importantly, they were there when little Charlie came into the world. John was the first he’d seen. He’d held him first and then shifted the infant into Harry’s arms, a confirmation that they were a family now.

The memories were the strongest immediately after John dies. Still, some start to fade within a short time, which drives Harry further away from Charles. Resentment settles in, and he spends even less time with him, but his mother is there, taking on the infant full-time. There are many nights she doesn’t bring Charles home, knowing it’s easier to avoid the drive with a tiny infant, but it leaves Harry to his own devices.

He refuses to have a lick of alcohol but falls into the world of internet shopping. It brings a sense of relief to buy the things he’d always promised John they’d get but didn’t have the money at the time. He doesn’t have the money now but buys them anyway, feeling satisfaction each time a package arrives on his doorstep. But after time, even that isn’t helping, and the boxes pile up on the stoop. Harry cannot find the urge to open the door to grab them.

Charles is eight months old when his mother gives up. Anne’s supposed to be working, Charles at the baby-sitter's, but Harry is more than surprised when, at seven in the morning, there’s an erratic pounding at the door. He doesn’t understand why she hasn’t used her key, but she spouts off why she did it to get him out of bed. She has a list prepared, counselors, therapy, grief sessions, and if all else fails, psychologists. She isn’t doing it anymore, and it’s then that Harry realizes the weight of what she’d taken on.

He stares at first, and then, for the first time in many days, he lets go. Harry finally breaks down, sobbing over everything he’s lost. He knows things have to change and carries the weight with him as he prepares for the first session, group therapy for those grieving over lost partners. Harry doesn’t want to go but knows it’s for Charles and starts as the parent he needs him to be. Harry does it for John, who he knows would never have wanted him to behave as he’s been.

The first isn’t the hardest, but it’s when he has to open up about the anger he feels, the resentment towards his child, who is simply a reminder of what’s gone. Louis is the group leader and allows him to open up without judgment. He finds that his story isn’t so different from others in the group. Harry is starting to heal, but he isn’t ready for that to happen, so he pulls back. He skips some sessions but finds him at the doorstep once again after a dreadful night with Charles. He’s ready to discover what he needs, some semblance of hope to allow him to go on.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Hesitate by the Jonas Brothers


End file.
